“Do not trust in a friend. Do not put your confidence in a companion. Guard the doors of your mouth from her who lies in your bosom…Therefore I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. ” – Micah 7:5, 7
Lastnight I noticed that the friendship bracelet a friend of mine gave me last Spring was unraveling quickly. Tonight it completely came off. It was a sort of testament to what is happening in my life. As is common, people come in and out of our lives regularly. Some play a role in it forever, some for a brief period, some you force into your life when God doesn’t want them there. Many of the relationships that I have had usually lasted a short time. If I’m honest with myself I know that this happens because I don’t allow them to last long. I am a very guarded person. Well it is strange really, because I will tell a person almost anything that they want to know; I am very transparent and direct. But at the same time, I won’t allow myself to attach to most people and I try to not allow them to get attached to me. Here in Korea, I have met some of the most amazing people who would give you the shirt off of their back and then ask if there was anything else that you needed (no lie). Yet, I won’t allow myself to really feel at ease with any of them. Back in the States I am the same. In fact I am the sort of person that can meet someone and tell them my name and get to know them quite well one day, and then I could see them again 2 days later and be absolutely convinced that they will not remember me. Why?
I feel like people always seem to be able to talk about exactly who they are, or what makes up their character, but I could never do that. So I actually tried to take the time to write down “who I was” so that I could have a tangible understanding of the kind of person that I think that I am. Let’s just say it ended up being the craziest mess of a million things that eventually led me to the conclusion that I really don’t know myself at all. The biggest reason for that conclusion was because I am constantly changing; I never stay in one state of mind for long. However, two things that I could stand on about myself is, One: I unwaveringly, unapologetically and with full trust love my Lord Jesus Christ, Two: I cannot get close to, attach, or allow myself to fully trust most people. Interesting. I’ve had the chance to be quite introspective, lately (as you can probably tell). Honestly, you are forced to look inward often here being foreigner in someone’s country. All the locals want to know everything about who you “think” you are. So you better ‘figure yourself out’ quick. Still, no matter how many times I am asked “What are you like? Who are you? Tell me about yourself” I always end up giving a less than sincere skin deep synopsis of myself that takes 2o seconds and then I look at them blankly desperately hoping that they will change the subject. I simply cannot describe myself! Could it be that I just don’t want to figure myself out because I want to believe I am more complex than can be figured out? Maybe I want to stay a mystery to myself because I feel like if I don’t know myself, then others will never fully know me which means I won’t attach to too many people which closes me off from potential hurts, etc? Just thinking in type here. Feel free to stop reading.
I am a watcher. I watch, absorb, conceptualize, diagnose and repeat. I watch the behaviour of the people around me constantly until I know almost every little quirk, filler word, spasm that they use-and I do it without even noticing. If you are a friend of mine reading this, I probably know things about you that you don’t know about yourself. And still, I couldn’t describe myself to you. When people try to tell me that “they know me” or try to describe me back to me it always makes me smile because how can they know me if I know that I haven’t allowed myself to be known? Or better yet, how can someone know me when I barely understand myself? This is the most confusing pile of words you have ever read isn’t it?? Yeah same here.
If you are wondering why I am writing this, keep wondering. I actually started this blog fully intent on talking about the things I missed about home. Strange how sometimes your heart just takes over and has the most passionate need to tell you, or in this case the world, something that is weighing heavily on it. I think there is a deep longing in everyone to love and be loved in return. I think deep down in my heart I have that desire, but I observe and observe and observe until I find the handful of people in my life worthy of my trust. One thing is for sure, God is ridiculously easy to trust. He loves me enough to change me and condition me. He will always be there for me. He knows all of my filler words, spasms, and maneurisms. In fact, He knows the number of hairs on my head and amount of breaths I take in a day. He cares about my past, present and future. He died for me. What greater love is this? Who will ever be more deserving of trust, closeness and committment? Maybe it is okay to not fully understand myself. Maybe that is exactly the way God intends me to be? As long as I can plant whoever I am on the solid rock that is my Lord, and I know that He is what sustains my life-what else about me do I really need to know?
A David’s Psalm captured me:
“O God, You are my God. Early will I seek You. My soul thirsts for You, my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your loving kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. Thus I will bless You while I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips. When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You, Your right hand upholds me.” Psalm-63:1-8