The strong silent type. My dream man. The human in whom all my earthly hopes and dreams would hinge upon. He walks into my life with silly flip flops and casual glances. He knocks me back with the tenderness in his eyes and the innocence in his words. He pulls me down and lifts me up at the same time. Is this what I’ve waited for since I knew love could exist? Are you the one?

When we fall into that deep love the wedding bells ring out. When the wedding bells quiet down the fear creeps in. Marriage is so much deeper, so much harder than you thought. It strips you bare and takes you to depths of yourself you didn’t know were there. You battle your need to be vulnerable with your desperate cling to self protect. You pull him close and push him away. He opens up and shuts down. You cry and kiss. You fight and run away. You come close and sing each other to sleep. You scream. You laugh.

He looks at you with tears in his eyes and says you can hurt me like no one else can. And he hurts me like no one else can. We hurt each other. We love each other like no one else can. We have access to each other that no one else has. No matter the self protection you selfishly seek this person can get to the core of you and consume your confidence, your fear, your self worth, your insecurity, your good, your bad. They can build you or break you. They can take you or leave you.

So take my all. Take my good, my bad. Build me, break me. If marriage is hard let it be hard. If marriage is easy let it be easy. I want it all. I want everything it gives and everything it takes. I want the unity. I want the pain. I want the beauty.

We choose each other every day. We stare at the gaping hole our life would be without each other and we lean into the future we have ahead of us, together. This is the love I knew could exist. It’s just as wild and gritty as I thought it would be. It’s just as soft and calm as I thought it would be. It’s nothing like I thought it would be.

It’s a death march to a life camp. It’s Jesus.

My dream man. The exact love I deserve. You are who I waited for since I knew love could exist. You are who I’ll grow with and die with. You’re the seeker I needed. You’re the naivety I wanted. You’re the tenderness I’d lost. You’re the touch that heals; the words that restore.

Your flip flops have been traded for chacos. Your casual glances replaced with longing stares. The grey specks through your beard show me where we’ve already been together and swoon me further. We’re living. We’re dying. Together.

You’re the one, baby. You’re the one.